HOW TO
…deal with crappy, seedy, potentially toxic motels.
(1) Dress for minimum nakedness at the end of the day. As in: tights or longjohns under jeans, undershirt under your shirt (so aptly named!), etc.
(2) Don’t unpack. Simply reapply same clothes in the morning. Thus the above. If you’re really concerned about it, you can microwave your underwear. I only just thought of this; I’ve never actually done it. Possibly brilliant?
(3) Two beers at dinner and 1mg Klonipin, Xanax, or similar at bedtime. Generic highly recommended unless you have bitchin’ health insurance. Which I do not. And no, I don’t care to hear your opinion about the condition of my liver.
(4) Don’t shower. Greasers are cool again, remember? Bring a comb. Dip in water. Style accordingly. Chaps and blue jeans complete this fashion-forward look.
(5) GTFO as early as possible. Free coffee and pastries in the lobby, if provided, allow for a 15 minute departure delay. Otherwise hit the Waffle House once you’re at a safe distance.
(6) Pay in cash.
(7) Oh, and tempting though it may be (especially after those beers and the etcetera else), don’t bring anyone back to the motel with you.* You’re trying to avoid sheet-to-skin contact, remember?
This free advice sponsored by the Fuck I Can’t Believe I Slept There Society (FIBSS).
*unless they are truly fantastically hot. In which case you have my blessing.
No Comments Yet